War Fear – March 7, 2003

When I was in college, I was young. I would lean out the window and feel the wind in my hair and listen to Lake Michigan rippling against the shore. When it rained, I would go down the path by the lake, watching waves break over the railing and creep dangerously close to the sailboats pulled up on the sand. I would go to concerts and stay up late and watch sunrises and get stoned and eat whatever I liked and push myself, awake for 40 hours and not tired yet under a haze of caffeine. I would wake up and look out the window and think, I wonder what this day will hold. And I never could wait to find out.

I grew up and got knocked around some, went through difficult times with illness in my family, but I still felt like me. Young. Energetic. Able to change the world if I tried hard enough. I moved to L.A., lived a fresh start, went out dancing and lost myself in the music, walked on the beach and saw the mountains in the distance and thought how lucky I was, drove out along the Pacific Coast Highway at night and stared up at the stars.

But something has changed now. I am still young. But I feel old, when no one else is around and my thoughts crowd in with no interruptions. I wonder what will happen in the world in the next few years. I cannot imagine it will be good. I wonder if I will have kids, and if I will bring them up in the U.S. I love this country, but many people in it appear to have gone insane. Our President seems to think he is on a mission from God. We are ready to attack a country preemptively and unilaterally, with little support from allies, based on shaky and outdated evidence, breaking all recent precedent and busting open a huge can of worms. Nothing excuses terrorism, that goes without saying, but it is easy to see why so many people hate us. I hate the way we are acting as a nation. And I don’t feel like I can change the world anymore, no matter how many antiwar protests I attend. This Administration couldn’t care less what I or anyone else thinks. They are too busy alienating the world.

I try not to let political thoughts creep into this blog. It’s not what I do; there are other people who do it far better than me and know far more about the topics at hand. But this blog is about my life, and I’m spending more and more time worried about current events. I still wonder what the next days will hold. But a part of me is afraid to find out.

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