I want to cut my hair short and dye it bright royal blue. There. I said it. I want to accessorize again, choose toe rings and necklaces and hang things from my belt. I want to stop caring that my car is old and the transmission sticks a bit around 18 mph. I want to stop thinking about getting a bigger apartment. I want to dance more and sleep less. I want to dream deeply when I do sleep. I want to lean out over a railing and feel the city moving through me. I want to spend my whole life amazed by the beauty of it all. I want to stop my eyes from glazing over when a stranger looks into them. I want to look back and smile and say hello without being afraid. I want to stop thinking in terms of us and them. I want to smile to myself as I drive my car along Olympic Boulevard. I want to try everything. I want to banish fear. I want to love what I have. I wonder if I have gotten too comfortable. I don’t want to forget the first night I slept in my bed instead of on the floor.
If I can just hang on to that memory, everything will be all right.